When I first met my wife, I tried to bite my tongue about how awful her job and pay were (note: I’m in the same field or computer programming). More and more I encouraged her to speak up for herself and demand more money and respect. I’m happy to report that she’s changed jobs twice, increased her salary about 80% in the last 4 years and is excelling. Her success is 100% hers; she just needed the motivation and the wisdom from a man that had “been there/done that” to kickstart her efforts. I was able to give her insight into how men in our field negotiate their salaries and get ahead. Furthermore, I helped her to understand that her older, male bosses do not understand women and by negotiating with them as a man would, she was actually making it easier for her bosses to promote her. Ultimately, our discussions focus mostly on how to deal with men in a way that they will understand without giving up her femininity.

I’ve strayed a bit from topic, but the point I’ve learned via my wife and other close female engineers is this: It is often not the negotiating itself that results in negative perception, but the manner in which it is conducted.

I say, negotiate as usual. In 15 years freelancing I have never come across anyone who’s said, “Well, we would have hired you, but then you had the nerve to negotiate while ovulating, so forget you, you shameless hussy.” And I have yet to meet a freelancer who’s experienced the same thing. Though if anyone has, please share with the class. I’d love to hear about your experiences. (Though I do suspect the world of freelancing is a bit more of an open market than the corporate 9-5 negotiation world.)

If we’re VIEWED NEGATIVELY as women, for negotiating the higher salary, at any point, how are we supposed to succeed at negotiating the higher salary — even if we’re really good at what we do and really good at negotiating?

Isn’t being viewed positively one of the things that determines the number and quality of the clients you end up with? Is this one of those things where we’re just supposed to be the b**** and bear it?

The biggest mistake I’ve made in my career as an independent is taking on too many long-term things at once. Then I get stressed, quit something, feel some relief, and immediately take on another big job… only to burn out again.

I’ve made MANY other mistakes too but most of them I can’t share here because I’m still sorting my way out of them. I try to look on it all as learning though.